The Rise Of The Pitchmen

Pictured: above mentioned rise of pitchmen.

The “Pitchman” is not a new concept. Salesmen were invented with sales itself. If you can identify a person with a product it makes it easier to advertise that product. Billy Mays was the Drew Brees of Pitchmen. The man could sell anything, and was unfairly taken away from us. Now we are left with that shady Shamwow jerkoff and the creepy British guy that did the show with Mays and who I’m not willing to rule out as The Real Killer.

Chilling.

I‘m Wired on Schnapps, Benzedrine, and Chocolate Covered Peanuts: Late Night Driving Music

I drive a lot at night.  I don’t just mean driving to the store to get some thirty-weight ball bearings, I mean road-trip driving.  I have a habit of leaving somewhere late at night to drive home instead of waiting until the morning.  Driving at night is great because there is a ton less traffic, which of course means you can air-drum on the steering wheel without having to worry about looking like an idiot to complete strangers.  As I was driving up the mountain Saturday evening I was thinking about the best driving songs, especially for late night driving.  I qualified it so that songs that are explicitly about driving aren’t considered, because that’s too obvious.  So that eliminates Bat Out of Hell, Truckin’, Friend of the Devil, and a song that truly would have been a darkhorse, Look What Happened by Less Than Jake.

So in no particular order, these are my favorite songs for late night driving, that aren’t obviously about driving.

Leaves of Grass My Ass: Why Futurama is a Better TV Show than The Simpsons

This is a post I did on my now defunct old blog about a year ago, before Comedy Central announced the show’s revival.  Figured it would be a nice space fil…. I mean a nice read for those who hadn’t seen it before.

Whenever I am asked what my favorite television show is, I immediately reply ‘The Simpsons.’ I grew up with this show, it premiered when I was five years old and obviously is still going. I don’t remember when I first started watching it, I do know for some time I was not allowed to, but I would guess it was somewhere around the third season. I definitely remember seeing the softball episode when it came on, because I have a vivid memory of thinking that Ozzie Smith was actually dead (I was a stupid, stupid child).

However, of late, The Simpsons has severely faltered. There are fans who will tell you that the show dropped off over ten years ago. Frankly I think it stopped being the funniest show on television around the 15^th season. The reasons for this drop are many. One, the show is two minutes shorter than it used to be, so there are fewer non-sequitur jokes because they get sacrificed for those which are integral to the plot. Two, there is far too much focus on guest stars. I remember one DVD commentary in which as writer spoke about a guest appearance in an early season, and that how he was glad they didn’t do guest stars in the fashion of saying ‘Hi, I’m so and so’, they actually have them play characters. This past season there was an episode which consisted of Denis Leary losing his cell phone, what the fuck? Lastly, after 20 years it’s got to be impossible for a show to keep churning out good ideas. The last few Rolling Stones albums sucked, the new Indiana Jones movie was awful, sometimes people just need to know when to stop.

Still, I watch my DVDs of seasons 3-11 all the time, that is the prime of the show and there are very few bad episodes, and loads of excellent ones. However; because of the absurdly slow process of releasing the boxsets (fuck you writers strike, maybe you shouldn’t have done that internet content if you weren’t going to get paid for it?) I have been forced to watch other shows just to keep things fresh. This is where Futurama steps in. Over the last two years I have picked up all four seasons (substantially cheaper than Simpsons DVDs I might add) as well as the four feature length movies. I watched the show off and on when it was on the air, but as it changed times and had hiatuses, it was hard to keep up with. I did manage to catch most episodes in syndication on Cartoon Network, so I was not a stranger to the show. While there are only 70+ episodes and the four movies, I think it is fair to compare it to The Simpsons and their 400+ episodes and one feature film. And this is where I say that I believe Futurama is a better television show than The Simpsons.

I’ll Have a Steak Sandwich and a Steak Sandwich: The Art of Sandwich Crafting

I enjoy a good sandwich. The sandwich is the staple of the American lunch. I also enjoy Warren Zevon. I did not start listening to him until after he died in 2003. But over the last few years I have listened to most of his albums, and watched as many of his performances as I could. In his last public appearance before he died, Letterman asked Warren if his imminent death gave him a different perspective on life and death. He responded “not unless I know how much you’re supposed to enjoy every sandwich.” Sandwiches are no laughing matter, shit’s serious business. It seems like an easy thing to do, but all over the country right this second there are people fucking up while making a sandwich. Chances are they work at Subway. Their actions offend me, Warren Zevon’s ghost, and the Shaolin Temple.

Oh you fucked up.

So it comes down to me to make a case for the art of sandwich making. What it is, how people continue to fuck it up, and why they’re bastards for doing such.

Billion Dollar Ideas: Episode Two

I am writing this in a Laundromat on a legal pad; I just dropped eighteen bucks in quarters on this most heinous of chores and exchanged smalltalk about the weather with the other miserable souls doing their laundry on a Friday afternoon.  I have now retreated into my shitty plastic Laundromat chair while I wait on my clothes, and I decided to write out an idea that has been swirling in my head for a years …. The Drive and Dry.

See, I told you, legal pad.

Homer Simpson, Smiling Politely: My Ignorance of the Kids’ Music These Days

There was a day when I was in middle school that everyone at recess was talking about Hanson.  I had no clue what they were talking about, I felt completely out of the loop.  Eventually I would stumble across their iconic rock-opera “MMMBop,” but for the longest time I just had no fucking clue what was going on.  I spent the morning busride listening to a poorly recorded tape of Bob Dylan songs on my walkman.  I still remember there being a two second gap on The Hurricane because I screwed up the recording.  But then as time went on, I eventually got a grip on the popular music scene …..

You Should Be Listening To … The Mountain Goats

I think I have impeccable taste in music, I assume most people think this. They also probably like their own taste. I listen to a wide range of music from classical pieces to gypsy bands. Not because I’m a hipster douchebag, but because I just like what I like, I don’t care what genre it is. So I’m going to try and expose some people to music they might not be familiar with. This isn’t me claiming I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet, just that I know I found about these bands through secondary channels, so if I can do the same for one person, mission accomplished. So in the first installment of “You Should Be Listening To ….” we have The Mountain Goats.

We are Duly Appointed Predictable Plot Devices: Shutter Island and the “Big Twist.”

Shutter Island comes out this Friday, and the early reviews are very positive. I am looking forward to seeing it, and have been since I first saw the trailer. A few weeks ago I decided to read the book because I am impatient, and it was a fantastic book, which I think will transfer well to the film. However, the movie and book utilize the new favorite thriller plot device: the big twist. When I first saw the trailer, I commented to my best friend that I thought I knew what the twist was (as they advertise the twist on the book and movie) and he agreed with what I thought it was. After reading the book, I was proven right, and I was pissed. It was an amazing book up until about sixty pages to go, and then Lehane channeled his inner Shyamalan and twisted it all up. I’m sick of these plot devices, and I’m pissed that I’m still going to see the movie Friday.  Don’t worry, I won’t spoil it for you here.

Good Beer, No Shit: Why Michelob Ultra is Insulting

Good people drink good beer. – Hunter S. Thompson

Those who know me well know that Thompson is my favorite author, I have a tattoo honoring him; but what many people don’t know about him is that he is tied to beer intimately. The incredible Flying Dog Brewery has a beer named after him and has the above quote on their bottles; and Flying Dog happens to be my favorite brewery. I am picky with beer, most people are not, this annoys me. What annoys me more are Michelob Ultra commercials, and the people who drink the beer. If you’re under 40 years old and drink Michelob Ultra, you’re an asshole. And here’s why ….

Billion Dollar Ideas: Episode One

So I have long had a series of what I call “billion dollar ideas.” Ideas which, if I were able to manifest, would net me a billion dollars. Admittedly a self explanatory concept, lay off me, I’m starving. So I thought I would share some of them. I’m sure some have been thought of by other people, I’m not claiming to be a genius here (I am a genius) just these are things that I thought up without consciously stealing from others. So, this week in the fucked up leavings of my brain is ….