The Rise Of The Pitchmen

Pictured: above mentioned rise of pitchmen.

The “Pitchman” is not a new concept. Salesmen were invented with sales itself. If you can identify a person with a product it makes it easier to advertise that product. Billy Mays was the Drew Brees of Pitchmen. The man could sell anything, and was unfairly taken away from us. Now we are left with that shady Shamwow jerkoff and the creepy British guy that did the show with Mays and who I’m not willing to rule out as The Real Killer.

Chilling.

But that’s just the infomercial side of the game. The traditional commercial has seen a recent upswing in the use of Pitchmen. I know this goes back a long ass time, but I peg the rise in usage the last few years on this son of a bitch:

That’s right, the “Can you hear me now?” guy. His image and catchphrase made their way into popular culture and the ads were rather successful it seems. To me that was the period that Verizon really began to blow up. Sure he was annoying as hell, but it was catchy and damned if I didn’t use it in some conversational manner at some point.

Also a tip of the hat to the Taco Bell chihuahua, which I guess was before Verizon but I’m not really sure if it had the staying power as those commercials only lasted three years. That dog died of a stroke too, no doubt due to the high sodium diet one gets with having free Taco Bell for life.

Gidget: the Rosa Parks of dogs.

But in the past few months I’ve noticed a few new Pitchmen for major advertising campaigns that are just horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  So, offender number one ….

That Asshole From The State Farm Commercials

Look at that smug son of a bitch.  Apparently his name is Eddie Matos, but all that matters is I don’t like him.  First of all those eyebrows are regoddamndiculous.  There’s just far too much coarse black body hair in this ad for me.  He’s smug, just look at those dimples, you don’t get those dimples without being one smug bastard.  Now maybe this Matos character is a great guy and he’s just playing this guy to be a total knob, and if he indeed did that, fair play to you Mister Matos.  But he’s undeniably smug, as shown through his mocking of GEICO for having catchphrases even though State Farm has been using that “Like a good neighbor” noise for the longest time.  He’s a hypocrite and I for one won’t stand for that in my advertising.

But my bigger beef is with the pitch strategy itself.  Not only is he smug, he’s fucking lazy!  His entire premise is “GEICO’s simple advertising is too complicated, ours is simple, the simplest way to convey information to  a customer is to tell them to ask someone else because we can’t be bothered. Profit.”  He’s a genius, really.  Don’t ask us, just ask your neighbors.  But first you need to find out which neighbors have which insurance.  What if everyone on your block uses Allstate?  Are you shit out of luck? Do you have to move to somewhere with better State Farm market penetration?  I don’t know, and I wonder if Mister Matos does.  He certainly owes us answers.  Moving on …

The Pricks From The Census Commercials

*Minutes of Census Bureau meeting*

Guy 1: We need to hit young people, the poor, and minorities. We need a marketing campaign that can appeal to all of them.

Guy 2: Okay, idea. Christopher Guest. Kids and black people LOVED Best in Show.  Get him to direct.

Guy 3: Won’t he be expensive?

Guy 2: Yeah, it would cost us 133 million dollars to make this campaign.

Guy 1: You’ve got it, now give me actors.

Guy 2: Okay we think Ed Begley Junior skews well with Latinos and Eastern Europeans.  Young white males will like the inclusion of Ed Helms’s bitchy girlfriend from The Hangover.  She was such an annoying bitch they’re sure to have a positive opinion of her.

Guy 3: I think my kids are big into this “American Pie” movie, we should put that “MILF” lady in it, the young guys will still find her hot as this is in fact 1999 and not 2010 where she now looks like Beast from Beauty and the Beast.

This version of Beast.

Guy 1: Okay, here’s the check, spare me no expense.  Let’s make history people

*Scene*

That is actually what happened to create this ad campaign.  It is unfathomably bad.  Trying to go the mockumentary angle is not only stale but uncalled for.  This isn’t something you need to make funny. Aside from the fact that the commercials they made aren’t funny, that is.  It’s a straightforward topic and for something that many people distrust (because they’re idiots) you should just be as open and straightforward as possible.  No jokes about left-handed scissors.  Just someone like Sam Elliott  or James Earl Jones standing in front of a map of America saying

“The Census is as old as America.  If you want your voice to be heard and your community cared for, fill out your Census forms, because they determine not only how many congressmen your state gets, but how much government funding you get.  The government is designed to help you, but we need you to stop being fucking idiots and fill out your goddamn forms, you’re fine giving up all your personal info to ebay to buy a sweet radio scanner so you can pick up pit crews at NASCAR races but you won’t give the same to the government.  Grow the fuck up.”

With a classy piece of piano playing in the background.  Maybe this:

Boom. 100% return rate guaranteed.  Next in line …

Luke Wilson’s Fat Evil Twin Brother

Baumer Tenenbaum in his "Charles Barkley, the later years" years.

Oh you rat bastard.  Easily the most wretched ad campaign of the last year.  Verizon roll out a serious of brilliant commercials slamming ATT and their lack of 3G coverage.  Everyone knows the only thing keeping ATT afloat is the iPhone. As soon as it comes to Verizon in 2012 ATT is sunk. Their network sucks dick, it’s a fact.  Big deal, your product is inferior, so what do you do, do you try to address the problem?

No. You accuse Verizon of being deceptive when in fact they were being easy on you, and you pretend there is no problem.  And you get a past his prime overweight actor to sell your lemon of a network to America.  Now the theme of these commercials is “ATT covers almost all Americans.”  Yes, they do, for standard voice purposes.  That’s not the damn point.  Verizon is talking about 3G coverage, you know, the network you show pictures of Fatty Wilson downloading on that isn’t available in most of your coverage area.  You put out these ridiculously smug commercials with Wilson struggling to breathe as he just ignores the Verizon claims.  I’m not making a judgment on which network is better, because based on the issue that was brought up, 3G coverage, there is no debate, but it’s just infuriating how dumb ATT’s response is.   Or maybe it’s brilliant, because people are still buying their phones.  I wouldn’t be shocked if there are ATT customers buying an iPhone then getting confused as to why they don’t have 3G coverage.  This is a guy who is related to the guy who helped write Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, he’s better than this.  Come on man, get your shit together.

Those are just a few, most of pitchmen are meant to be annoying to a certain level, to be memorable.  But these guys take it over the edge.  Luckily there is a new challenger in the market, and it’s one who flies high the flag of Terrible Terry Tate …

The Balls Out Brilliance Of The Terry Crews Old Spice Ads

These commercials are brought to us by Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, the guys behind “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” and “Tom Goes To The Mayor” on Adult Swim.  Personally, I’m not a fan of either show.  I just don’t get it.  But I get these ads.  I may not dig their shows, but they made a brilliant casting decision by going with Terry Crews.  I wonder what picture his agent uses to get Terry work?

Pictured: President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Wait no I don’t.  This guy is just a human wall of awesomeness, and these commercials really drive that point home.  If you want a guy to move your product, make it not only memorable but good.  Bud Light is great at that.  They can make a horse that can’t talk, or can if the mood strikes them, into a Pitchman by just making a smart commercial.  Some prick telling me to ask my neighbors, who I don’t even know, for insurance tips is the Adult Contemporary Country Rock genre of commercials.

Better idea: have Terry Crews star in my new Census ads.  Because who is going to say no to being asked to fill out a simple form by this guy?

Only morons with no self preservation instinct.  And really do we want them represented anyway?  I say no, and so does Terry.  Good night America.