Pictured: above mentioned rise of pitchmen.

The “Pitchman” is not a new concept. Salesmen were invented with sales itself. If you can identify a person with a product it makes it easier to advertise that product. Billy Mays was the Drew Brees of Pitchmen. The man could sell anything, and was unfairly taken away from us. Now we are left with that shady Shamwow jerkoff and the creepy British guy that did the show with Mays and who I’m not willing to rule out as The Real Killer.

Chilling.

But that’s just the infomercial side of the game. The traditional commercial has seen a recent upswing in the use of Pitchmen. I know this goes back a long ass time, but I peg the rise in usage the last few years on this son of a bitch:

That’s right, the “Can you hear me now?” guy. His image and catchphrase made their way into popular culture and the ads were rather successful it seems. To me that was the period that Verizon really began to blow up. Sure he was annoying as hell, but it was catchy and damned if I didn’t use it in some conversational manner at some point.

Also a tip of the hat to the Taco Bell chihuahua, which I guess was before Verizon but I’m not really sure if it had the staying power as those commercials only lasted three years. That dog died of a stroke too, no doubt due to the high sodium diet one gets with having free Taco Bell for life.

Gidget: the Rosa Parks of dogs.

But in the past few months I’ve noticed a few new Pitchmen for major advertising campaigns that are just horrible.  Absolutely horrible.  So, offender number one ….

That Asshole From The State Farm Commercials

Look at that smug son of a bitch.  Apparently his name is Eddie Matos, but all that matters is I don’t like him.  First of all those eyebrows are regoddamndiculous.  There’s just far too much coarse black body hair in this ad for me.  He’s smug, just look at those dimples, you don’t get those dimples without being one smug bastard.  Now maybe this Matos character is a great guy and he’s just playing this guy to be a total knob, and if he indeed did that, fair play to you Mister Matos.  But he’s undeniably smug, as shown through his mocking of GEICO for having catchphrases even though State Farm has been using that “Like a good neighbor” noise for the longest time.  He’s a hypocrite and I for one won’t stand for that in my advertising.

But my bigger beef is with the pitch strategy itself.  Not only is he smug, he’s fucking lazy!  His entire premise is “GEICO’s simple advertising is too complicated, ours is simple, the simplest way to convey information to  a customer is to tell them to ask someone else because we can’t be bothered. Profit.”  He’s a genius, really.  Don’t ask us, just ask your neighbors.  But first you need to find out which neighbors have which insurance.  What if everyone on your block uses Allstate?  Are you shit out of luck? Do you have to move to somewhere with better State Farm market penetration?  I don’t know, and I wonder if Mister Matos does.  He certainly owes us answers.  Moving on …

The Pricks From The Census Commercials

*Minutes of Census Bureau meeting*

Guy 1: We need to hit young people, the poor, and minorities. We need a marketing campaign that can appeal to all of them.

Guy 2: Okay, idea. Christopher Guest. Kids and black people LOVED Best in Show.  Get him to direct.

Guy 3: Won’t he be expensive?

Guy 2: Yeah, it would cost us 133 million dollars to make this campaign.

Guy 1: You’ve got it, now give me actors.

Guy 2: Okay we think Ed Begley Junior skews well with Latinos and Eastern Europeans.  Young white males will like the inclusion of Ed Helms’s bitchy girlfriend from The Hangover.  She was such an annoying bitch they’re sure to have a positive opinion of her.

Guy 3: I think my kids are big into this “American Pie” movie, we should put that “MILF” lady in it, the young guys will still find her hot as this is in fact 1999 and not 2010 where she now looks like Beast from Beauty and the Beast.

This version of Beast.

Guy 1: Okay, here’s the check, spare me no expense.  Let’s make history people

*Scene*

That is actually what happened to create this ad campaign.  It is unfathomably bad.  Trying to go the mockumentary angle is not only stale but uncalled for.  This isn’t something you need to make funny. Aside from the fact that the commercials they made aren’t funny, that is.  It’s a straightforward topic and for something that many people distrust (because they’re idiots) you should just be as open and straightforward as possible.  No jokes about left-handed scissors.  Just someone like Sam Elliott  or James Earl Jones standing in front of a map of America saying

“The Census is as old as America.  If you want your voice to be heard and your community cared for, fill out your Census forms, because they determine not only how many congressmen your state gets, but how much government funding you get.  The government is designed to help you, but we need you to stop being fucking idiots and fill out your goddamn forms, you’re fine giving up all your personal info to ebay to buy a sweet radio scanner so you can pick up pit crews at NASCAR races but you won’t give the same to the government.  Grow the fuck up.”

With a classy piece of piano playing in the background.  Maybe this:

Boom. 100% return rate guaranteed.  Next in line …

Luke Wilson’s Fat Evil Twin Brother

Baumer Tenenbaum in his "Charles Barkley, the later years" years.

Oh you rat bastard.  Easily the most wretched ad campaign of the last year.  Verizon roll out a serious of brilliant commercials slamming ATT and their lack of 3G coverage.  Everyone knows the only thing keeping ATT afloat is the iPhone. As soon as it comes to Verizon in 2012 ATT is sunk. Their network sucks dick, it’s a fact.  Big deal, your product is inferior, so what do you do, do you try to address the problem?

No. You accuse Verizon of being deceptive when in fact they were being easy on you, and you pretend there is no problem.  And you get a past his prime overweight actor to sell your lemon of a network to America.  Now the theme of these commercials is “ATT covers almost all Americans.”  Yes, they do, for standard voice purposes.  That’s not the damn point.  Verizon is talking about 3G coverage, you know, the network you show pictures of Fatty Wilson downloading on that isn’t available in most of your coverage area.  You put out these ridiculously smug commercials with Wilson struggling to breathe as he just ignores the Verizon claims.  I’m not making a judgment on which network is better, because based on the issue that was brought up, 3G coverage, there is no debate, but it’s just infuriating how dumb ATT’s response is.   Or maybe it’s brilliant, because people are still buying their phones.  I wouldn’t be shocked if there are ATT customers buying an iPhone then getting confused as to why they don’t have 3G coverage.  This is a guy who is related to the guy who helped write Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, he’s better than this.  Come on man, get your shit together.

Those are just a few, most of pitchmen are meant to be annoying to a certain level, to be memorable.  But these guys take it over the edge.  Luckily there is a new challenger in the market, and it’s one who flies high the flag of Terrible Terry Tate …

The Balls Out Brilliance Of The Terry Crews Old Spice Ads

These commercials are brought to us by Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim, the guys behind “Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” and “Tom Goes To The Mayor” on Adult Swim.  Personally, I’m not a fan of either show.  I just don’t get it.  But I get these ads.  I may not dig their shows, but they made a brilliant casting decision by going with Terry Crews.  I wonder what picture his agent uses to get Terry work?

Pictured: President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Wait no I don’t.  This guy is just a human wall of awesomeness, and these commercials really drive that point home.  If you want a guy to move your product, make it not only memorable but good.  Bud Light is great at that.  They can make a horse that can’t talk, or can if the mood strikes them, into a Pitchman by just making a smart commercial.  Some prick telling me to ask my neighbors, who I don’t even know, for insurance tips is the Adult Contemporary Country Rock genre of commercials.

Better idea: have Terry Crews star in my new Census ads.  Because who is going to say no to being asked to fill out a simple form by this guy?

Only morons with no self preservation instinct.  And really do we want them represented anyway?  I say no, and so does Terry.  Good night America.

So in no particular order, these are my favorite songs for late night driving, that aren’t obviously about driving.

Tom Waits – San Diego Serenade

A bit of a shocker here because it’s a soft song. And anyone who doesn’t have a cocaine addiction will tell you that loud and fast music is the way to stay awake when you’re driving.  But it’s one of those songs to listen to when you’re driving home from a situation that is making you think.  A song about perspective, loss, and not knowing what you’ve got until it’s gone.  Plus there is something about Waits’s voice on this song that make it better than most, I think it’s the fact that he is singing in a softer than normal fashion.   Best lyric: I never saw the moonlight until it shone off your breast.

Meatloaf – I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)

BOOM he gets around the self imposed Meatloaf restriction by going with the less obvious choice from his catalog!  Sure the music video has a motorcycle chase in it, but it was directed by Michael Bay, so no shit it has a motorcycle chase in it.  This song is a great driving song because of the changes in tone and its length.  Length is important in driving songs because, for me at least, I feel like less time has passed when I listen to one twenty-minute song than five four-minute songs.  Put the song starts out slow, and you know the piano is about to come in.  If you’re listening to this song on the road and don’t slow down at the start of the song so you can floor it when the piano comes in, you’re no friend of mine.  Best lyric: And maybe I’m lonely,that’s all I’m qualified to be.

Han Solo looks like shit!

LCD Soundsystem – All My Friends

A tough choice to use just one of their songs, as Someone Great or 45:33 could have both fit the bill.  But All My Friends sticks out for me because it has such a frantic pace.  The repeating drum and keyboard beats just keep it going, it’s very much a head-bobbing kind of song.  Lyrically it brings the so-called heat as it’s a song about friendship and getting old.   And let’s be honest, if you’re driving more than a hundred miles in the middle of the night there’s a good chance you’re coming back from something involving your friends.  Also there’s a good chance you’ve just done, or are still in the process of doing, something really stupid.  At the time it seems like a good idea, and after you get home and sleep until six at night and have time to look back on with a clear head, well, it’s still a good idea.  Best lyric: I wouldn’t trade one stupid decision for another five years of lies.

Oasis – Don’t Look Back in Anger

I’m a big Oasis fan, even though they’re Man City supporters, I’m willing to look past it.  I think it’s sad that being insufferable douchebags, and insufferable addicts, robbed us of some potentially great music.  But anyway, this song is my favorite of the entire body of work.  I didn’t remember hearing this as a single in the Wonderwall days, I don’t think I remember hearing it until college.  But it’s a bid of an oddity, as it was the first single that Noel provided the vocals for; also in that it’s stolen from John Lennon.

I am the walrus

The “start a revolution from my bed” is a direct lift from Lennon, and the opening piano is straight from Imagine.  I’m not complaining mind you, I just think it’s great that they pulled those things yet still made a song that sounds uniquely “Oasis.”  The live versions are classic singalongs, and the crowd reaction whenever the piano kicks in is phenomenal each time.  Again it’s a song about looking back at your life without regret, a theme which I think really fits with the late night motif.  Look back on your life and put a ratio on nighttime regrets to daytime.  3:1 at least, right?  Best lyric: you said the brains I have went to my head (stolen from Lennon).

Pink Floyd – One of These Days

The opening track from Meddle, which is easily Pink Floyd’s most underrated album, is rare in a few aspects.  For one, Nick Mason, the drummer, provides the only vocals in the song.  Two, it’s double tracked on bass with Waters through the left channel and Gilmour through the right.  Also it’s rare in that the studio version isn’t as good as the live versions, because Gilmour’s bass needed new strings.  The version from Live at Pompeii however is balls out stunning, and the version from Pulse is solid as well.  But it’s a great driving song because it’s an instrumental piece that, after the initial thirty-second lull, just keeps building.  That is, until the spoken threat is given, and the drums break back in with Richard Wright pounding the keyboard / synth / Hammond, depending on the version.  Personally I think Mason’s flailing drum beats in the above video illustrate how face-meltingly rocking this shit just really is.  Best lyric: n/a.

Ludwig van Beethoven – Ninth Symphony, 4^th Movement

More commonly known as Ode to Joy.  I wasn’t getting through this without a classical music piece, just wasn’t going to go down like that.  I can’t count how many times I’ve jeopardized my safety on the road as I steer with my knees and mimic the conductor’s motions with my hands.  My apologies to anyone standing close to the curb, you know who you are.  But aside from the always fantastic symphonic work Beethoven was prone to churn out, this also has a fantastic vocal component.  The chorus starts after the music slows down, and it is basically just an explosion of joy.  Plus, whenever I listen to it I think of the above clip from Immortal Beloved, and then I think of Gary Oldman as Beethoven, and when I think of Gary Oldman, I’ve got my co-pilot.

Bring me Mozart.

Classical music can be a bitch late at night because a wide cut of it does not have the rousing bits that his symphonies do.  As much as I enjoy a good Chopin Nocturne — you know, Frederic Fuckin’ Chopin — they aren’t the best pieces to stay awake with.  Best lyric:  Daughter of Elysium, we enter, drunk with fire, into your sanctuary.

Whenever I am asked what my favorite television show is, I immediately reply ‘The Simpsons.’ I grew up with this show, it premiered when I was five years old and obviously is still going. I don’t remember when I first started watching it, I do know for some time I was not allowed to, but I would guess it was somewhere around the third season. I definitely remember seeing the softball episode when it came on, because I have a vivid memory of thinking that Ozzie Smith was actually dead (I was a stupid, stupid child).

However, of late, The Simpsons has severely faltered. There are fans who will tell you that the show dropped off over ten years ago. Frankly I think it stopped being the funniest show on television around the 15^th season. The reasons for this drop are many. One, the show is two minutes shorter than it used to be, so there are fewer non-sequitur jokes because they get sacrificed for those which are integral to the plot. Two, there is far too much focus on guest stars. I remember one DVD commentary in which as writer spoke about a guest appearance in an early season, and that how he was glad they didn’t do guest stars in the fashion of saying ‘Hi, I’m so and so’, they actually have them play characters. This past season there was an episode which consisted of Denis Leary losing his cell phone, what the fuck? Lastly, after 20 years it’s got to be impossible for a show to keep churning out good ideas. The last few Rolling Stones albums sucked, the new Indiana Jones movie was awful, sometimes people just need to know when to stop.

Still, I watch my DVDs of seasons 3-11 all the time, that is the prime of the show and there are very few bad episodes, and loads of excellent ones. However; because of the absurdly slow process of releasing the boxsets (fuck you writers strike, maybe you shouldn’t have done that internet content if you weren’t going to get paid for it?) I have been forced to watch other shows just to keep things fresh. This is where Futurama steps in. Over the last two years I have picked up all four seasons (substantially cheaper than Simpsons DVDs I might add) as well as the four feature length movies. I watched the show off and on when it was on the air, but as it changed times and had hiatuses, it was hard to keep up with. I did manage to catch most episodes in syndication on Cartoon Network, so I was not a stranger to the show. While there are only 70+ episodes and the four movies, I think it is fair to compare it to The Simpsons and their 400+ episodes and one feature film. And this is where I say that I believe Futurama is a better television show than The Simpsons.

I need to qualify that statement. I think the Simpsons in it’s prime is a funnier show that Futurama at it’s best, however I think that Futurama is more entertaining. But, The Simpsons the past five seasons is not as funny as Futurama ever was. So, let me explain.

• Futurama is more plot driven: The Simpsons resets at the end of each episode (exception being Who Shot Mr. Burns), and now they even joke about it in the show. Futurama carries over from episode to episode. When someone dies, they stay dead. Albeit the major characters don’t get killed off, there isn’t anything like Moleman getting blown up in five different episodes and still being around. The best example of how Futurama is different is the episode ‘The Why of Fry‘ from season four, which is possibly my favorite episode. In this episode the story from the pilot is tied back in, and all of Fry’s actives are explained to have been in an arc to reach that point of his life. There simply is not storytelling like this in The Simpsons. Sure there are flashback episodes and episodes set in the future (which suck), but in Futurama the series feels more tied together. If you sat down and watched a random episode in the fourth season of Futurama without ever seeing an episode, you would have no idea what the hell was going on. The Simpsons on the other hand, can be picked up at any point. In short, Futurama is more of an emotional investment than The Simpsons. I realize that the nature of animation is that there are several episodes being written and produced at once, but Futurama still manages to make the episodes piece together better than The Simpsons. And while the latter may be more joke heavy, I think the former is more enthralling.
• Futurama characters are better developed: Another aspect here is that The Simpsons have been set in a time freeze since the show’s start. The characters (with the exception of Homer aging three years) have all stayed the same age, and there really aren’t any references to the year being important. As strange as it sounds, a show set in the future has done a better job of adapting to time. While there was not much mention of it during the show’s initial run, the first feature film deals with time travel and is set in 2007, while the pilot was set in 2000,so we are to assume that seven years have passed over that time frame. And Fry has changed drastically, without giving too much away let’s just say there are several different versions of Fry in the movie and time passing plays a huge role with each. Again, for Futurama’s style of storytelling this works the best, but it wouldn’t work with The Simpsons, and I think this is one thing that makes the show better: with the passage of time there is more character development. When there are no consequences to a character’s actions, they can do anything they want and just go back to square one, and it is just more interesting to see how a character grows.
• Futurama poached the best Simpsons writers: Futurama is the brainchild of Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Groening is obviously the creator of The Simpsons, and Cohen was a Simpsons writer from 1993 until 1998, which places him on the show during some of the greatest seasons. He would serve as head writer and executive producer for the entirety of Futurama’s run. They also brought with them Ken Keeler, who also was a writer for The Simpsons, to serve as the show’s co-executive producer. Keeler may be best known for writing the controversial Simpsons episode ‘The Principal and the Pauper.’ This episode happens to be one of my favorites, and for anyone who owns the DVDs, listen to the commentary on it where he just completely rails against fans who gave him shit. Point being, they took two of the main writers from the strongest period of The Simpsons, so it is not shocking that their talent translated to Futurama. Now with Groening, having listened to all the DVD commentaries for both series, I honestly think that he cares more about Futurama. He definitely seemed to have a more hands on approach to Futurama, when with The Simpsons it seemed that after the first two seasons he was not doing as much. He is one of the greatest comedic minds of all time, and for him to pour his heart and soul into Futurama shows. Now, speaking of those writers …
• Futurama was the smartest show on television, literally: The following were all writers for Futurama: Ken Keeler, Jeff Westbrook, Patric Verrone, J. Stewart Burns, Bill Odenkirk. What do these men have in common? They have all received doctorates. Aside from that, Cohen and Eric Kaplan both did graduate work at UC Berkley. Essentially, it was the best educated writing staff in television. This comes across in the material of the show: from advanced graph theory, to Dungeons and Dragons, and even to a general outstanding level of nerdiness. While most of them have written for The Simpsons as well, I think their ability translated better into Futurama, because ….
• Futurama is a nerdfest with no story limits: One of the things that was always brought up about The Simpsons was that the traditional bounds of sitcoms did not apply because it was animation, and there could be more suspension of disbelief. This led to more physical comedy, more outrageous plot lines, and frankly just better television. Then Futurama came around and completely one-upped it’s brethren. Both shows are loaded with wildly creative writing, but it is only natural that a show about the future, outer-space, the universe, and everything, is going to provide the better template for expression of that creativity, as opposed to a show about a suburban family. Shit, there are talking robots, aliens, mutants, suicide booths, and of course time travel. The closest The Simpsons can get to this is the Treehouse of Horror episode every year, and it is no surprise that it is traditionally the best rated episode of the year, so obviously when Futurama expands that wide berth of creative license to an entire series, the results are going to be excellent.
• Futurama didn’t have a chance to get stale: The treatment of Futurama by FOX is well documented and inexcusable, especially considering how long they let King of the Hill run for. What the fuck is that about, that show is more at home on ABC Family. Futurama only had four seasons, and only two real full length ones. Because there were so few episodes, it is harder to find a bad one, in my opinion. That just isn’t the case with The Simpsons, there have been so many episodes that it is bound to become hit and miss. In this sense, The Simpsons are Pink Floyd and Futurama is Nirvana. Pink Floyd is my favorite band, and their best music is the best music. They had a string of incredible albums, and their overall body of work is fantastic. But did we really need The Division Bell or Momentary Lapse of Reason? Probably not. Nirvana on the other hand only had three studio releases, and because of that the selection is so small and concentrated when they were at their best, it’s difficult for me to find a song I don’t like. There are maybe two songs off Bleach I don’t like, but In Utero and Nevermind are perfect. Nirvana isn’t my favorite band, but given any random song of theirs there is a much higher chance I will love it over a random song out of Pink Floyd’s catalog.
• Even with robots, Futurama drips with emotion: There are a few Simpsons episodes which are very high on emotion (Mother Simpson, Round Springfield, Alone Again Natura’diddly, etc), and for the most part those episodes manage to strike a balance between touching and funny. However, there is a fundamental roadblock which keeps The Simpsons from being more emotional: the relationships are already established. While there are several episodes where Homer and Marge are on the outs; almost the entire Futurama arc deals with Fry’s pursuit of Leela. Maybe it’s because I relate more with a romantically hapless moron with no prospects rather than a middle aged married man; but I think more emotion can be drawn from the tortured nature of Fry’s consistently futile approaches. Not to give a spoiler, but the latest, and sadly final, Futurama feature film ends with Fry and Leela kissing. I cannot remember completely, but I think it was the first non-cheek, non-worm/dream/parallel induced kiss between them; and it was the perfect way to end the show. I find myself genuinely caring about what happens to the characters in Futurama; while in The Simpsons I know things are going to go back to normal and I am just focusing on what jokes are coming next.

And that is what it comes down to: I care about the story in Futurama, in The Simpsons I just care about the jokes. Yet, they’re both comedy cartoons, so is the whole point just to be funny, and therefore The Simpsons would be the ‘better’ show? I don’t know, but I know I’ve definitely gotten misty-eyed watching Futurama, and I’ve started choking from laughing so hard at The Simpsons. What I’m sure about though is this: if I could trade the last five seasons of The Simpsons for five more seasons of Futurama, I make that trade in a heartbeat. I watch more Simpsons episodes overall, because they are great filler and background material when I just want something to distract me. But if I’m in the mood to actually watch something, I throw on Futurama.

Oh you fucked up.

So it comes down to me to make a case for the art of sandwich making. What it is, how people continue to fuck it up, and why they’re bastards for doing such.

Last week I went to one of the campus cafes to get a sandwich before class. Nothing difficult, just a turkey sandwich with hummus (I don’t know why). But this girl just takes the stack of turkey slices from the bin and puts it straight onto the roll, slaps on the hummus, and gives it to me. What the fuck man? The sandwich had no life to it, it just felt flat.

So as I sat there eating it, smoldering in silent rage, I thought to myself “there need to be groundrules for sandwich making.” So here they are.
• Fold the meat. Don’t just slap the meat on there flat, it needs to be folded at least once per piece. It’s all about surface area here.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

• Layer the meat and cheese in an alternating fashion. You can’t just put all the cheese on top of all the meat. You need to maximize the variations in flavor in each bite.

Superman on laundry day, bitches

• Do not under any circumstances microwave a sandwich. If you need to warm up or melt the sandwich, put it in the oven (or toaster oven) and broil that bastard. Act like you’ve got some goddamn sense about you.

Seriously, that's like, sandwiches 101.

• No lettuce. This is a rookie mistake made at Subway. Lettuce is flavorless and just interferes with the sandwich. By acting as a full-roll prophylactic, the lettuce prevents the meat and cheese flavors from soaking into the bread; you’re just throwing away free flavor at that point.

I KNEW IT!

• Other vegetables. Banana peppers and black olives are a must, green peppers and pickles are acceptable. Banana peppers and olives work best with soft and/or/s/he melty sandwiches, because they sink and stick well. Tomatoes are okay, but you have to keep in mind how they will add a wateryness to the sandwich could be problematic. I’m not trying to get tomato leavings on my pristine white tshirt / bed sheet.

Pictured: most likely dolphin-meat sandwich

So please, heed these guidelines. Sometimes a sandwich is the only thing getting a guy through his day. Maybe the office is extra boring today and he needs that mixture of a crisp bread and olives to get him through the five o’clock hour. Maybe he’s so dreadfully hung-over that if he doesn’t get a chicken teriyaki and a bottle of blue Gatorade, his entire Sunday is going to be shot. So put some effort into your job and fold that piece of meat, I know it will slow down the rate of conversation with your coworker about how shitty your schedule is that week; but if you’re not concentrating on the sandwich, it’s a lot harder for me to steal chips from the chip rack. Do you want to live in a world where I can’t steal chips? I know I don’t.

You didn't think I'd leave this reference out right?

See, I told you, legal pad.

The Drive and Dry!

Imagine, if you will, a 24/7 Laundromat in a major city (NYC, Chicago, Bozeman).  Not a strange concept itself, they exist of course.  But put yourself in the shoes of a 30 year old guy who is sitting there at two in the morning on a Thursday waiting for his dryer cycle to finish because he spilled bong water on his last clean pair of Haggars.  We’ve all been there.  Ask yourself, what would be the best way to pass the time?  A brutal moral inventory that would help to explain how you ended up in this situation? Cleaning the dozens of Naked fruit juice bottles out of your car? Writing those thank you notes you’ve been meaning to get to since October? No.  Let’s hit some goddamn Titleists.

Pictured: Obviously not my target market

That’s right. A 24/7 combination Laundromat / driving-range.  The time spent doing laundry is long enough to be three bitches in a bitch boat, but short enough that going home and waiting is pointless.  So hit a hundred balls and work on the short game.  To me this seems like a gold mine because it hits at a huge market dying to be tapped at every chance: guys who have nothing left to live for and need to focus on something other than their regret-filled lives.

Sure there are some obvious issues. Space would be a concern.  But 24/7 driving ranges already exist, just buy one of them bitches up and tack on a Laundromat.  Or build. Whatever, just give me a business loan.  I’ve run this past people before and they always suggest adding a bar and calling it the Drink and Drive.  Hilarious, to be sure. But aside from the fact that liquor licenses are pricey, I don’t need the MADD set coming down on me.  I’m just trying to retire before thirty without doing any real work, I just want to be sitting on a beach earning twenty percent.

Pictured: Defenestration, worst case scenario

Combining one of the most soul crushingly tedious tasks in the game with a favorite time killer and wife-avoider is brilliant.  Throw all your clothes in one washer regardless of color, put it on the warm setting, the grip it and rip it.  What could possibly go wrong?

Well half this equation is now impossible

Forsooth!

It made me think about the fact that I really have no idea what is going on in popular music today.  And this isn’t some douche –canoe “I only listen to demo tapes” hipster bullshit, I largely listen to music that was at one point popular.  There’s nothing underground about Bob Dylan’s “Desire” album or Pink Floyd, I just for some reason have not been able to keep with the popular mainstream stuff.  So when the hell did I become a crotchety old man?

Goddamn clouds with their rock and/or roll.

I am sure I would like some of the popular music that is out right now, it’s just that I do not really have an avenue to get exposed to them.  I know I have heard Lady Gaga songs in commercials and probably at bars, but I could not for the life of me identify one.  I don’t know Miley Cyrus songs, I know one Taylor Swift song, and good lord if it’s new rap I have no fucking clue.  But I don’t listen to the radio and I get most of my music recommendations from friends with similar tastes.  I don’t know who these “Weezys” and “Young Moneys” and “Right Said Freds” are.  And this will sound dickish: but I am glad I don’t.  I hear most popular music and I think it’s terrible.  And it’s not because it’s popular, I have no idea who it is, I cannot tell if it’s new (unless it has auto-tune in it, you godless fucks), I can just tell it sucks ass.

Not Pictured: talent

Now I’m not saying I do not listen to new music.  Just not what tends to fall at the top of the Billboard Hot 100.  I literally have no idea who the artists behind five of the top ten singles are.  David Guetta? Jason Derulo? Lady Antebellum? Lil Money? Ke$ha?  The number one song in the country belongs to someone with a goddamn dollar sign in their name?  My God people, GET OFF MY LAWN!  Two months ago the Brits were able to push a Rage Against the Machine song to the top of the charts, and we’ve got a dollar sign?  Again I realize I’m in the serious minority when I’m waiting on new albums from Pelican and The Flaming Lips; but for shit’s sake people try to broaden your horizons.  Pop music will almost always be safe.  There is brilliant experimental music out there which exists for purposes other than acting as filler between Free Credit Report Dot Com commercials on your local radio station.  I know that sounds elitist as hell, but what can I say: I’m of the belief that all opinions are not created equally.

Pictured: Our leading expert on opinions

Again, dickish, but man it must suck to grow up with this music.  I mean  I grew up with Metallica, Pearl Jam, Nirvana, Radiohead, Chili Peppers, and a shitload more.  Sure most of them are still around (save Nirvana, not sure why ….), but it’s difficult to keep the quality of music high after so long.  If a high school kid now first hears Metallica’s “St. Anger” they are probably a lot less likely to get into them if they heard “Masters of Puppets” like I did.  And those bands were fucking huge!  Nirvana and Pearl Jam ruled the early nineties radio and video world.  I could not avoid them, and it was great.  What saturates the market now?  Auto-tuned nonsense and shitty Pearl Jam knockoffs.

"Ha Ha! I can't believe you idiots are falling for this!"

Not only that, but we had exposure to bands like Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, The Clash, Talking Heads, and Starland Vocal Band.  Sure it’s all still out there, but with fewer and fewer people listening to radio, how else are you supposed to get your Get the Led Out marathons on every Clear Channel station in the land?  I mean I heard someone say that “Land of Confusion” was an original Disturbed song.  Santa Claus himself vomits in rage at that.  Aside from the fact that Genesis is an amazing band, and Disturbed is terrible, that song was completely butchered.  So even more disturbing than not realizing it was a cover, was this guy thinking that it was a GOOD version of the song.

Pictured (center): Maggie Gyllenhaal

What kills me is that there is still great new music being made. I know this is a matter of taste, but if you think Lady Gaga’s latest album is better than David Byrne’s … what the fuck is wrong with you?  This isn’t a case of eight year olds thinking Kris Kross were the shit, this is a case of people who are legally old enough to get behind the wheel of a car.  I cannot imagine that someone who would rather listen to a song that is as processed as a log of Velveeta than Blonde on Blonde, Nevermind, or even Radiohead’s newest album would be able to comprehend the mechanics of a four-way-stop.

Pictured: Sonic Velveeta

I just cannot fathom how the opinion of these people can be so, in my eyes, fucked.  Obviously I’m in the minority here judging by the numbers.  I’m just worried that the youngest kids are going to grow up with All American Rejects and Rhianna as their “oldies.”  But still I think this is normal.  My parents aren’t blasting the new Sigur Ros album, they’re still listening to classic rock.

Or they’re listening to country old and new, because country crosses generational boundaries with a flux capacitor made out of pure shit.

WHOA, big slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

The Mountain Goats have had many different lineups since their birth in the early nineties. The mainstay has been John Darnielle, the band’s lyricist, composer, vocalist, and lead guitarist. Other members have come and gone, with the band typically being a duo or trio. The current lineup is Darnielle with Peter Hughes and Jon Wursten. They have seventeen studio albums. I own sixteen of them.

Classifying The Mountain Goats is difficult, because the most often applied tag of “lo-fi” has been rejected by Darnielle. Think upbeat folk rock with an urban feel to it, and with overwhelming lyrics. When I say upbeat, I am referring to the vocals and music. The lyrics however can be some of the most depressing lyrics you will ever hear. But Darnielle delivers them in a beautiful fashion which gives them a smooth texture even though they are brittle on the inside.

I first came across the band in the winter of 2008, so obviously my love affair has been short and frantic. I heard them on KEXP, a fantastic independent station which broadcasts out of Seattle and on the internet. They had just released their new album “Heretic Pride” and were promoting the single “Sax Rohmer #1.” I was instantly hooked, and had to find more. I found two of their more popular songs, “This year” and “No Children,” and I would venture a guess that I have listened to those two songs more than any other since my discovery. 

No Children comes off the album “Tallahassee,” which is the culmination of a series of concept works from Darnielle. Throughout the band’s existence he has been writing songs that are in certain groups of narratives. Tallahassee is from a series called the “Alpha series” which is about a married couple whose relationship has devolved to a mutual desire to see the other drink themselves to death. But they won’t leave each other. The couple moves to Tallahassee to get a fresh start, only to immediately realize it was pointless, eventually ending with them watching the other drink into oblivion.

Or, if you will, into Bolivian

“No Children” is the best song on the album in my opinion, as it is gut wrenching yet also a great sing-a-long. That is the magic of this band, they can make you feel good about feeling bad. The lyrics “I hope you die, I hope we both die” and “I hope when you think of me years down the line, you can’t find one good thing to say” are delivered in such a manner that you forget about how fucked up the narrative is because you’re caught up in the sounds. The band has had a loyal following for a long time, and their shows are always a bitch to get tickets to. But in the past year they have appeared on TV for the first time, promoting their new album. Darnielle was on Colbert and just blew the studio out of the water. The newest album is based around bible verses, even though Darnielle is not a religious man. His ability to write an incredibly intelligent song framed around the most obscure topic makes me compare him to Tom Waits. They can write songs about cleaning restaurant bathrooms and you still will be sucked in.

Pictured: the greatest living American songwriter

Now there’s a chance you may have heard them before not realizing it, if you happen to watch Moral Orel. No Children and two other songs (“Old College Try” and “Game Shows Touch Our Lives”) off of Tallahassee have been used in the show. I mention this, because it is such a perfect pairing. Moral Orel is a straight fucked up show about the crippling tedium of suburban marital life. It hits on addiction, alcoholism, questions of faith, and marriage problems. And it does this with claymation. Just in the way that Darnielle mixes somber narratives with uplifting music, Moral Orel is somber narratives told through a medium which reminds us of childhood.

So do me a favor, watch these videos, give them a chance.

Or the goat gets it

You have no idea how bad I want to spoil this for you

The big twist is obviously not a new literary device, it’s been around since the Bhagavad Gita, where Krishna ended up being a triple agent for Dumbledore (if I remember that ridiculous Myth and Meaning class I took in college). I’m not talking about every kind of plot twist, I loves me a good Deux ex Machina as much as the next guy. What I’m talking about is what the Greeks of old called “anagnorisis,” which is the critical realization about reality.

You know the ones I mean

Examples obviously being “I see dead people,” “Samuel L Jackon is a super-villain,” and “I’m a fucking idiot for watching The Happening.” Notice a theme in those three, Shyamalan the lot of ‘em. I think that bastard is to blame for the recent rise in this kind of storytelling. Sixth Sense was an outstanding movie, but now every time it’s just a waiting game to see what the twist is. And it is no accident that after we were fooled once, each successive time we’re less fooled.

FOOOOOLED YOU!

That is not to say there aren’t brilliant examples of this device. Agatha Christie was a master of the twist identity. Her book And Then There Were None is possibly the best example, in which the twist does not come until the epilogue. Outstanding book, great audiobook too, pants-shitingly terrifying. Also it has one of the most ridiculous original titles that was accepted then but alarmingly racist today. Murder on the Orient Express waits until the end to reveal what all the characters know to the audience, again another masterpiece by Christie. Fight Club is another example of a well done identity twist. Even though in the book there is an additional twist at the end which suggests a completely different interpretation of “Jack” than the movie did (seriously, just read the last chapter, totally different ending).

Though the movie did lead to Jurassic Fight Club

Then there’s the old unreliable narrator trick pulled with Usual Suspects (and various Christie novels as well). If someone says they were watching Usual Suspects and knew who Soze was before the reveal, they’re full of shit. And that’s the point: those twists were very difficult to predict. Fight Club a bit less so, definitely in the movie because of the visual clues. When you watch back over Usual Suspects you’re not thinking “oh yeah I should have caught that he looked at the coffee cup.” That was not the same with Shutter Island.

Recently I, being a dick, revealed the twist to some people, they were furious. Of course I responded that they should have figured it out anyway, which I really believe. But here’s the bitch of it, and why I still think this movie will be excellent: the twist itself isn’t the reveal. The preview cannot hit on what the actual reveal is because it would be giving too much away, the twist itself is just a precursor. But they have to pitch it based on the whole twist in the first place. Just the fact of “someone isn’t who they say they are” is enough to suck us in, it’s as if traditional linear storytelling isn’t good enough these days.

The movies I enjoyed most this past year were Coraline, Pirate Radio, Hurt Locker, and Inglorious Basterds. There were questions of identity in those movies (okay not really Hurt Locker), but they did not serve as the peripeteia, another word drenched in Tzatziki sauce, meaning the turning point. To me, the movies that use twists successfully keep you entertained even without knowing the twist is coming. Usual Suspects was a batshit insanely awesome movie even before Chazz Palminteri dropped the ball.

Pictured: police incompetence

Fight Club was dripping in manliness and counter culture even before the hotel scene. Before the reveal of Bruce Willis being dead and loving it, Sixth Sense was just a shitty episode of Dr. Phil (with the sickdiculous “kid with the blown out skull” scene thrown in). It ended up being a good movie because of that, but it relies on the twist too much. I want to be entertained throughout. If I wanted to sit around waiting for payoff, I’d go see a magic show and get the same reaction. Shutter Island for the most part rises above the reliance on the twist, because Lehane builds on top of it in an even more surprising way. But the fact that this incredibly gripping story is being pimped on a twist, and the fact that the twist itself was so glaringly obvious, pisses me of to no end.

Pictured: me being pissed off to no end

And I still cannot wait to see it.  Son of a bitch

Good people drink good beer. – Hunter S. Thompson

Those who know me well know that Thompson is my favorite author, I have a tattoo honoring him; but what many people don’t know about him is that he is tied to beer intimately. The incredible Flying Dog Brewery has a beer named after him and has the above quote on their bottles; and Flying Dog happens to be my favorite brewery. I am picky with beer, most people are not, this annoys me. What annoys me more are Michelob Ultra commercials, and the people who drink the beer. If you’re under 40 years old and drink Michelob Ultra, you’re an asshole. And here’s why ….Michelob Ultra is piss water. It is one of the lightest beers in existence, and is 4.2 percent alcohol. For a point of comparison, Smirnoff Ice is 5 percent, as is Budweiser. Ultra is comparable to Bud Light, yet for forthcoming reasons is not as atrocious. It has virtually no taste to it. Americans have absolutely ruined beer by creating all these beers which lack taste. This whole new wave of lighter and ultraer (not a word) beers is offensive to me.  Light beer has its uses, but this stuff if worse than light beer.  It’s not beer, it’s a brewed abortion.

Pictured: an uncalled-for reference

I’m not alone on this either by the way, the reputable folks at Beer Advocate give it an F. Rate Beer named it the fourth worst beer in the world. Trust these guys, they know what they’re doing, and they do it without making abortion jokes.

The commercials try to present the beer as “the young active beer” or something. It’s a bunch of people riding bikes, running up stairs, looking sexy, then cracking an Ultra open. They want us to think that this is the beer for the successful young pretty crowd, which may be true as I’ll hit on. But fuck that. IT’S BEER, YOU DON’T DRINK BEER WHEN YOU’RE RIDING A BIKE.

Sheryl Crow fucking sucks

Alcohol is a goddamn poison, a beautiful poison, but a poison still. You don’t see commercials with Lance Armstrong biking with a bunch of douchebags in spandex then pounding a bottle of Dioxin while rocking out to Blur’s Song 2, that shit would be ridiculous.

Pictured: Ultra's new pitchman

There’s only one explanation for this continued marketing strategy and the beer’s success:

People who drink it are idiots.

And you thought the Dioxin dig was obscure!

If you’re over 40 and drink it, you’re exempt, because at that point I understand it’s easier to drink a really light beer. I’m only 26 and can’t drink like I was able to when I was 21. But if you’re my age and are drinking this swill, and that’s the age group they’re targeting: fuck you. You have no idea what beer is supposed to be, so why are you even drinking it? There are two reasons to drink beer: to get drunk, and because you like the taste. I drink beer mainly because I like the taste, I’ve got too much blood and too little patience to drink the requisite amount of beer to get drunk. Breweries like Flying Dog, Anchor Steam, Bells, Rogue, and many many others make delicious beers. They are fucking artists. Michelob, and Busch in general, are the equivalent of American Idol. They pander to the lowest common denominator.

Pictured: highest common denominator

Now before you get all uppity, keep in mind, you’re drinking basically near-beer. Now you can’t claim to drink it because you like the taste, because it has no taste. You can claim to drink it because you don’t like other beers’ taste, that’s fine, but then why bother drinking any beer? Just drink wine or liquor. Chances are you’re more at home in the wine aisle with a bunch of idiots who are getting conned for grape juice. And you can’t be drinking it to get drunk, because you’d have to drink a lot more of them than say even something as classy as Busch Ice, at a respectable 5.9 percent. Thus eliminating the whole “it’s healthy beer!” shit, again, if you’re drinking for the sake of getting drunk, why the fuck are you interested in the health aspect of it? Gary Busey did coke off his dog, Tommy Chong rolled dog feces into his pot, yet I’m supposed to think Lance Armstrong is pounding Ultra because it’s good for him?

You wanna end up like Gary Busey?

If you don’t like beer, that’s fine, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea (one drink to analogize another, that’s writing bitches). But if you do like beer, and you’re drinking Ultra, what the fuck is wrong with you? I hate you, I hate your stupid face, I hate your stupid commercials, and I hope you get hit by a bus when you’re rocking around with your hip young cycling friends.

Or this could happen, that would be good too.

The Booze-Burger!

Spaulding wants a Booze-Burger. Will he get one?

That’s right, an alcoholic cheeseburger. The idea is to manufacture a precooked cheeseburger that can be heated up and consumed just like any other, the kicker being that it contains four shots worth of grain alcohol. Mock the concept of a microwaveable burger if you must, but find me a dorm in this country with White Castle burgers in the vending machines, and I’ll show you a vending machine with a sold-out slot.

Pictured: why I'm dying at 35

Now I’m not sure how the science of this would work, as I am not, as of now, Batman. But the trick would be to get it so the booze was tasteless. If you’ve ever had ice cream with sugar beet rum (one of the most powerful liquors in the world) you know that it is possible. So if it were able to be made, let’s look at the pros and cons.

Pros

• I’m too lazy to drink a lot anymore, this would cut down on the effort involved in alcohol consumption. Frankly I barely drink these days, it just takes too much commitment, way too many ins and outs, and whathaveyous.
• No feeling of twelve drinks sloshing around in your stomach.
  

  This guy feels me

• When do you want a cheeseburger more than when you’ve had four shots of Everclear? Never, that’s where the second one comes in handy.
• Think of the potential ballpark revenue.

Cons

• The FDA would have me shot.
• Possible risk of alcohol poisoning …. okay it’s a virtual certainty, whatever.
  

  Pictured: Little bastard ruining my plan

• Would making drinking at work, school, church, a lot easier and undetectable (possible pro).

Looks to me like the pros have it ladies and gentlemen. So I put it to you, should I apply for a MacArthur Genius Grant ?